last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
