You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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