I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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