I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
