i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
