We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
