Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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