She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
