i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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