I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
