she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
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