Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
