a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
