you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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