I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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