hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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