so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
