There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
