Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
