This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
