Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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