Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
