new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
