that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
