I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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