I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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