At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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