I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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