well I can't set my house on fire every night
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
