i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
