my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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