Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
