why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i was born a porn star she said
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize