so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We got so high we made milksteak
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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