I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
