There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
