you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
