she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
