please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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