This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
