My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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