Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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