you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
