the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
