Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
