my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
