Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
