I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
