First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
this hospital has no fireball
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
