listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
