The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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