i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
