we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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