so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
