see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
