How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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