I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
