I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
what day is it and did you see me today?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
