did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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