dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
