Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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