He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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