Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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