life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
